WHAT CONSTITUTES A MARRIAGE?

What really constitutes a marriage? Is it a wedding vow, sexual intercourse or something else? 

This is a question that is often asked.

Mishnah Kiddushin 1:1 specifies that a woman is acquired (i.e., to be a wife) in three ways: through money, a contract, and sexual intercourse. Ordinarily, all three of these conditions are satisfied, although only one is necessary to effect a binding marriage. To the Jews, the marriage question is settled, and the relationship thereafter can only be annulled by a divorce. So the Jews in many ways are closer to the heart in their acts than many who recognize only registration, wedding ceremony or sexual act.

The marriage registration is a declaration before the state.
The marriage ceremony is a declaration before the community and before God.
The sexual act is the physical union.

These are correct in part. But when does marriage really begin? And when does it end? Biblical Patriarchy should have an answer with a standard such as Jesus would require when He said, "You have heard.. but I say to you..."

Marriage is basically a process where spirit (marriage - holy), soul (soul tie) and body (sex) are involved. But when does a union begin? When does it end? As believers and followers of Christ, we would have to look at how He defines it. Jesus told us that if a man lusts after (lust - defined as desiring after that which he knows he should not possess) a woman, he has already committed a sex act out of wedlock in his heart. The adultery that Jesus mentioned, begins in the heart (Mat 5:27) and can finally materialized in the physical, so the same principle applies to a defining a marriage. Thus in the strictest sense, a legitimate marriage act begins with the commitment of hearts (verbally or even non-verbally) to one another, followed by a firm commitment before God and is consummated with a physical union. I say, "even non verbally" because actions and heart intention can even be louder than words. Of course, in the process, it is good to have the other declarations and celebrations before the state, the community and the church etc.... if possible. Otherwise it is already a legitimate marriage before God. Thereafter, marriage continues its earthly process which ends only at death.

I always advise that prospective individuals should guard against any form of man-woman soul tie (even in the heart) before a definite open commitment. I used to say, if there is no soul tie then why should there be a "break-up" pain when the relationship does not work out or when one party decides to say, "No" to a permanent relationship.

In principle, this is scripturally true, but I would not be legalistic to impose this everybody because of other factors like difference in upbringing, culture and walk of each individual in God. However, I would exhort those who walk in the Spirit to do well also in this area of their lives, and great shall be their blessings and honor.

What about sex without a legitimate soul relationship (or commitment)? It's fornication or adultery which is sin. What about a commitment or ceremony without sexual union? If sex is possible but deprived, then the marriage process is obviously incomplete or not consummated.

Copyright © Israel CS Lim, Dec 1998

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