When
a man lusts after a woman who does not belong to him, even over a computer
screen or a printed page, he commits spiritual adultery, which means, in the
spirit, he has defiled himself. But he is not alone on an island. He is all
swamped by the female species. How then does he avoid getting attracted to
those he knows he must not even give a thought to when inbuilt into him is a
desire for the female beauty. The answer is found in the understanding of the
process of adultery, which is progressive, starting from the mind and heart
and ending in physical acts of some kind. Thus a man who guards his spirit and
nibs it at the bud will save himself from the guilt feelings and consequences
that follow. There is no guilt at the first glance. But when the heart runs
after and the eyes follow on to get a more peering look and a exploring search,
the object is carried deeper into the heart. As this progresses, the
attraction becomes more overpowering and for some, a prompted act of sin
becomes unavoidable. Thus the way to avoid spiritual adultery is to stop the
heart from “zooming in” after the eyes bring in the first quick
“scan”. I have taught on this and received feedbacks that this simple
method of curbing temptations does work well. The Scriptures says that the best way to avoid temptation is to
flee from it. But it’s not to flee into seclusion, but to keep one's spirit
guarded and his inner chamber, his heart unspotted by imprints that are not
supposed to be there, and to cherish and enjoy those that are legitimate for him.
In short, he must not carry those images into his heart and allow himself to
be “wifed” and be satisfied by those other women that are not his, either
physically or emotionally, as we shall see as in the case of a woman.
Is
a woman free from temptations then? She is generally not as prone to such that
will tempt a man. How then does a
woman commit adultery? How is she tempted? A woman is equally tempted, but
somewhat differently and the manifestations thereof are more subtle than
realized. What initially attracts a woman is more in the emotions and
disposition, rather than physical looks as in the case of a man. For instance,
an ardent fan running after her favorite movie star, peering over his every
activity and life event, fantasizing over him, over his likes and dislikes,
over what he will do and what he will not, longing to get into his private
life. It may have nothing to do with anything sexual. But adultery is also in
the heart, not simply in anything physical. So, such involvement in the soul
is already a form of adultery, committed in the mind, in the heart. Such
impulses usually subside when a woman matures. But in some cases, that
fantasizing girl never quite grows out of it and in many cases, the fantasized
ideal takes on a more subtle form, hidden beneath, residing under the
“innocent” cover of appreciating celebrity idols or role models. The ill
effects are actually devastating. She will never be able to find her ideal man
for he never exists in her life, or just as bad, when she finally settles for
one that is far from her fantasized ideal. One can hardly imagine or foretell
the unreasonable demands that she brings along. It is yet not restricted to
movie stars, for example, when a girl’s interest over soccer is not because
of the game but because of the excitement of seeing and fantasizing over good
looking players and athletic bodies.
The
wife, who is obsessed with a celebrity, or one who is driven by some strong
undercurrent of fantasized ideals, or one beholden to another man whom she
greatly admires for that matter, is in fact giving her husband the message
that he is not able to match up. Her comments become limiting, undermining,
intimidating and condemning. His potential to arise is obstructed and stifled
by the same one who is supposed to support him. When the man becomes affected
by her sharing of fond affections with the far away celebrities, he would be
chided as being petty and unreasonably jealous - after all, her fantasy is
never meant to materialize, it’s not possible that she ends up in bed with
them, she is just chasing a star far away or appreciating the strength of
another man. So why the fuss? And man has to accept that it’s just the norm
and it’s safe. But she will not admit to him her increasing feeling that he
is far from the mark and her demands and expectations of him are a result of
what she sees in her idols, or she is developing a compulsive need to read or
talk about them often, or that she is harboring a secret desire to be in the
arms of those she fantasizes. But she may not feel guilty because she has
never been told that it is wrong. No, not until she realizes that she even
thinks about them when she is in intimacy with her own husband. Yet she may
still not understand why she is not able to respond as well to her husband
anymore, she just knows that he is inadequate. She has become addicted to
spiritual adultery.
When
a wife, knowingly or unknowingly enjoys being husbanded by another man, even
without being physically involved, she actually commits spiritual adultery. In
other words, spiritual adultery happens when a woman admires another man
beyond permissible boundary and becomes husbanded by him, be it mentally or
emotionally, even when no such real physical contact exists. As she continues
to admire these larger than life celebrities, she also begins to despise her
own man - this is many times the subtle root cause of the destruction or
plateauing of marital relationships, especially when she has never come to
terms with the fact that she is keeping another more ideal man in the secret
chamber of her heart. She has never been told that it is wrong anyway, but is
this not adultery?
Thus
we see that “innocent” indulgences of such kind are temptations for women
and can eat into the relationship, like little foxes in the vine, creating
dents and cracks in the relationship, in another word, her behavior becomes
unseemingly, contrary to that of a supportive wife. In this way, the man
becomes constantly provoked by the fantasy of his wife, finally, losing the
joy and satisfaction of husbanding her. Naturally, the end thereof is
disastrous and it begins here.
As
in the case of wisdom for the discerning man to avoid spiritual adultery,
there is a dividing line that keeps a woman in healthy relationship with her
man, at the same time being able to learn and derive much from role models.
The answer is the same as for the man. She must not allow herself to be
husbanded by other men by keeping them as idols in her heart, taking the place
that belongs to him and provoking him to jealousy.
To
understand this further, we ask this question: How then do we parallel this to
our relationship with God?
Our
God is also a jealous God, who possesses us jealously. But the church of Jesus
Christ has found herself clamoring for other gods or the strength of mere men.
No wonder God says that cursed is he who trusts in man and makes flesh his
strength. This is spiritual adultery in God's eyes. When a woman is beholden
to her ideals in a distant celebrity or just another man and allows him to
“husband” her in her heart, she will inevitably display her
dissatisfaction of her husband, constantly putting him down with unedifying
comparisons. Their sex life will eventually deteriorate, having to resort to
external stimulants (e.g. adult movies or fantasizing another) to create
excitement and newness. The degeneration is indeed pathetic. This need not
have to happen if principles are in place and spiritual adultery avoided.
Spiritual adultery is about bringing other parties, in whatever form into
their private chamber of intimacy. The freshness of the relationship soon
becomes stale and there is no desire to want to progress any further.
On
the other hand, a true wife is one who sees her husband as one well able to
take care of her and satisfy her by keeping the first love alive and fresh
between them and by putting out of her heart
anything that can potentially become her other “husbands”. This itself settles in the man that he is truly her man and
husband, giving him the satisfaction to love and cover her. So the same with
man, he must not allow other women that are not his to come into the privacy
of his heart to “wife” him. The key here is that spiritual adultery in all
forms on the part of both parties must be avoided.
Isleo
